you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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