i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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