Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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