There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
