all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
