Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
