I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
