i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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