why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
