i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
