You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
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new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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