So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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