am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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