Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
