You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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