Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm getting married
To pizza
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
