Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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