I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
