When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
