What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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