pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
