dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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