I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
