im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
