someone threw a dead crab at me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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