meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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