Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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