So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I want a musical about memes.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
