I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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