Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
