Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
