FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
