I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
