it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
