A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
