onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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