This is not my ceiling
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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