I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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