It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
