Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
