you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.