Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dating After Heartbreak
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.