I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
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is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
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I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.