A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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