i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I came so hard my ears popped.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
