btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
