I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
