don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
