i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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