got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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