i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
