My liver just broke up with me...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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