so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
