the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
