I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
