My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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