I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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