the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
please come you make the beer taste better
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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