she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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