I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
