Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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