I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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