nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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