i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
