so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
